Saturday, March 17, 2012

Turning Over a New Leaf

I've wanted to do this for a long time but haven't had the determination to even TRY it. I haven't taken care of my body since Ty and I got married and especially since I've had Barrett, sixteen months ago. I was looking through my employee file at work, a few weeks ago, and noticed that on my application, I wrote that I was 117 pounds. On a side note, I'm not sure why I was asked how much I weigh on a job application, but the point is that I'm nowhere near 117 pounds anymore and haven't been in a very long time.
I got married in July 2007. Before getting married, I could literally eat what I wanted, when I wanted, and never gain a pound. That completely changed after getting married. I guess you get comfortable and sit around your house more...I don't really know. I put on about ten pounds just from getting married. I wasn't too worried because I was still in the normal weight range for my height. Then, I was lucky enough to leave my job at Regions Bank in December 2007 and go to work with Ty at my in-law's business, working with Medicare to help customers get durable medical equipment. It was a wonderful change but a hard one. I had always had jobs where I HAD to report to work at a certain time and couldn't leave when I wanted nor do what I wanted. Before my current job, I had always had a boss that I feared, in a way. However, at my in-law's business, I had much more freedom. As long as my work was done, I could come and go as I please. I am practically able to do what I want. It sounds fabulous to most people and honestly it is. BUT...there is no structure and I NEED structure to stay in order.
In February 2008, I went on a trip with my husband, his grandparents, aunt, uncle, and two cousins to Keystone, Colorado. I don't like flying, keep in mind, nor do I like cold weather or mountains. But, I thought I'd give it a shot. I mean, what's the worst that could happen?! I might not have fun? Oh well, that would be OK. I would survive and return home a week later. After about 24 hours of being there, I started developing physical feelings that I couldn't quite describe like nausea, shortness of breath, upset stomach, headaches, and light-headedness. We all assumed maybe I was lacking oxygen which is common when you go to high elevations. So, I went to a grocery store and purchased some $40 oxygen and tried that for a day. I continued to feel horrible so we made a trip to a doctor there, to see what was going on. They said my pulse and blood pressure were up but that my oxygen level was excellent so that definitely wasn't my problem. I was diagnosed with a "bug". The next morning, I started feeling panicky feelings but at the time, didn't really know what panic attacks and anxiety were, since I had never really had problems with that before. That night, the whole family went to eat at a restaurant and I had a horrible panic attack, while there. I went outside, crying, and called my mom. I told her that I was terrified to fly, especially by myself, but that I was going to buy a ticket first thing, back to Memphis, and I wanted her to pick me up at the airport ASAP. As a side note, we had driven to Memphis from Jackson, flown directly into Denver (about a 2.5 hour flight), then driven to Keystone, which was about an hour or an hour and a half drive through insanely steep and snowy mountains. I told Ty about my plans when we got back to the hotel that night and he told me that he understood if that's what I had to do but really wished I would at least give it another day and see how it goes. I did and decided to just grin and bear it through the rest of the trip, because I didn't want to leave my husband. I think it was a little worse that we stayed in a hotel versus a condo because I was cooped up in one room for about seven days straight. I was so "sick" that I couldn't go skiing or anything. During that time, Ty and his family spent most of every day out skiing, so I was basically by myself. I did leave the room one day, to go shopping but ended up having to leave after thirty minutes, because I felt like I was going to pass out. I didn't realize that I was doing myself more harm than good at the time, by keeping myself couped up in the room. They had AMAZING shops in the area and I hate I missed out on everything.
Anyways, we got home and carried on as normal the following week. I had an appointment at the optometrist to get fitted for contacts but little did I know, that appointment would change everything. I had a VERY rude employee trying to fit me for contacts and we just couldn't find any that felt right to me. She had such an attitude with me that I started getting nervous and rushed. I eventually had to leave because of feeling anxious, nauseous, and lightheaded. I had this never-ending feeling of doom that was indescribable. I went home, thinking I was just sick with a bug or something but ended up hyperventilating and calling Ty to come get me and take me to the ER. I honestly thought I was having a heart attack or something. After a couple of visits to different doctors and going through a few tests, I was diagnosed with Panic Disorder. I was started on Lexapro, an anti-depressant and finally started feeling better. But in the process, I also gained forty pounds. I have had the hardest time getting it off, since. I got pregnant in March 2010 and gained around fifty pounds. I gave birth to Barrett in November 2010 and lost sixty pounds in the first six weeks of giving birth. I suffered from postpartum depression severely for those six weeks (the reason for the extreme weight-loss) and finally decided to get on Zoloft, a different anti-depressant. Of course, I then gained back about ten of those pounds and have gained and lost, since.
I had gotten to where I just didn't care anymore but I'm now at the point where I have GOT to get my body back in shape. I don't mean just lose weight but an overall makeover of my health, my attitude, and my life in general. I'm 28 years old but don't feel like it. I feel like a 60 year old some days. My joints hurt. My blood pressure is high some days. I have elevated blood sugar at time. I'm always tired and have no energy. It's just ridiculous. This week, I've been working on about four hours of sleep a night. Wednesday morning, I was really shaky and felt like I needed to throw up. I laid back down for about two hours and felt so much better when I woke up. I guess that was my body's way of saying that I needed to get more rest...and exercise for that matter.
So, I have decided that I really want to re-vamp myself. I know I'm not going to be perfect at it and some days are going to seem hopeless but I want to at least put forth the effort. I want to feel like a 28 year old again, or even better, a twenty year old! Wish me luck, everyone! Day one is tomorrow.

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