I've wanted to do this for a long time but haven't had the determination to even TRY it. I haven't taken care of my body since Ty and I got married and especially since I've had Barrett, sixteen months ago. I was looking through my employee file at work, a few weeks ago, and noticed that on my application, I wrote that I was 117 pounds. On a side note, I'm not sure why I was asked how much I weigh on a job application, but the point is that I'm nowhere near 117 pounds anymore and haven't been in a very long time.
I got married in July 2007. Before getting married, I could literally eat what I wanted, when I wanted, and never gain a pound. That completely changed after getting married. I guess you get comfortable and sit around your house more...I don't really know. I put on about ten pounds just from getting married. I wasn't too worried because I was still in the normal weight range for my height. Then, I was lucky enough to leave my job at Regions Bank in December 2007 and go to work with Ty at my in-law's business, working with Medicare to help customers get durable medical equipment. It was a wonderful change but a hard one. I had always had jobs where I HAD to report to work at a certain time and couldn't leave when I wanted nor do what I wanted. Before my current job, I had always had a boss that I feared, in a way. However, at my in-law's business, I had much more freedom. As long as my work was done, I could come and go as I please. I am practically able to do what I want. It sounds fabulous to most people and honestly it is. BUT...there is no structure and I NEED structure to stay in order.
In February 2008, I went on a trip with my husband, his grandparents, aunt, uncle, and two cousins to Keystone, Colorado. I don't like flying, keep in mind, nor do I like cold weather or mountains. But, I thought I'd give it a shot. I mean, what's the worst that could happen?! I might not have fun? Oh well, that would be OK. I would survive and return home a week later. After about 24 hours of being there, I started developing physical feelings that I couldn't quite describe like nausea, shortness of breath, upset stomach, headaches, and light-headedness. We all assumed maybe I was lacking oxygen which is common when you go to high elevations. So, I went to a grocery store and purchased some $40 oxygen and tried that for a day. I continued to feel horrible so we made a trip to a doctor there, to see what was going on. They said my pulse and blood pressure were up but that my oxygen level was excellent so that definitely wasn't my problem. I was diagnosed with a "bug". The next morning, I started feeling panicky feelings but at the time, didn't really know what panic attacks and anxiety were, since I had never really had problems with that before. That night, the whole family went to eat at a restaurant and I had a horrible panic attack, while there. I went outside, crying, and called my mom. I told her that I was terrified to fly, especially by myself, but that I was going to buy a ticket first thing, back to Memphis, and I wanted her to pick me up at the airport ASAP. As a side note, we had driven to Memphis from Jackson, flown directly into Denver (about a 2.5 hour flight), then driven to Keystone, which was about an hour or an hour and a half drive through insanely steep and snowy mountains. I told Ty about my plans when we got back to the hotel that night and he told me that he understood if that's what I had to do but really wished I would at least give it another day and see how it goes. I did and decided to just grin and bear it through the rest of the trip, because I didn't want to leave my husband. I think it was a little worse that we stayed in a hotel versus a condo because I was cooped up in one room for about seven days straight. I was so "sick" that I couldn't go skiing or anything. During that time, Ty and his family spent most of every day out skiing, so I was basically by myself. I did leave the room one day, to go shopping but ended up having to leave after thirty minutes, because I felt like I was going to pass out. I didn't realize that I was doing myself more harm than good at the time, by keeping myself couped up in the room. They had AMAZING shops in the area and I hate I missed out on everything.
Anyways, we got home and carried on as normal the following week. I had an appointment at the optometrist to get fitted for contacts but little did I know, that appointment would change everything. I had a VERY rude employee trying to fit me for contacts and we just couldn't find any that felt right to me. She had such an attitude with me that I started getting nervous and rushed. I eventually had to leave because of feeling anxious, nauseous, and lightheaded. I had this never-ending feeling of doom that was indescribable. I went home, thinking I was just sick with a bug or something but ended up hyperventilating and calling Ty to come get me and take me to the ER. I honestly thought I was having a heart attack or something. After a couple of visits to different doctors and going through a few tests, I was diagnosed with Panic Disorder. I was started on Lexapro, an anti-depressant and finally started feeling better. But in the process, I also gained forty pounds. I have had the hardest time getting it off, since. I got pregnant in March 2010 and gained around fifty pounds. I gave birth to Barrett in November 2010 and lost sixty pounds in the first six weeks of giving birth. I suffered from postpartum depression severely for those six weeks (the reason for the extreme weight-loss) and finally decided to get on Zoloft, a different anti-depressant. Of course, I then gained back about ten of those pounds and have gained and lost, since.
I had gotten to where I just didn't care anymore but I'm now at the point where I have GOT to get my body back in shape. I don't mean just lose weight but an overall makeover of my health, my attitude, and my life in general. I'm 28 years old but don't feel like it. I feel like a 60 year old some days. My joints hurt. My blood pressure is high some days. I have elevated blood sugar at time. I'm always tired and have no energy. It's just ridiculous. This week, I've been working on about four hours of sleep a night. Wednesday morning, I was really shaky and felt like I needed to throw up. I laid back down for about two hours and felt so much better when I woke up. I guess that was my body's way of saying that I needed to get more rest...and exercise for that matter.
So, I have decided that I really want to re-vamp myself. I know I'm not going to be perfect at it and some days are going to seem hopeless but I want to at least put forth the effort. I want to feel like a 28 year old again, or even better, a twenty year old! Wish me luck, everyone! Day one is tomorrow.
Saturday, March 17, 2012
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Top 10 Reasons Why I'm NOT the Perfect Mother
Today, I ran across a blog that listed some reasons as to why the blogger wasn't the perfect mother and a few reasons as to why she could be considered the perfect mother. She encouraged readers to write their own blogs, each listing their reasons for not being the perfect mother and their reasons for being considered the perfect mother. I thought I'd give it a shot, since I related to her blog so well. So, here goes nothing.
My Top 10 Reasons Why I'm Not the Perfect Mother:
10. Barrett wasn't on a daily routine until he was a year old. He never wanted to do things at the same time every day and I just wasn't dedicated enough to force it on him. He ate when he was hungry, slept when he was sleepy, and played when he was playful. He just recently decided he wanted to do these things at around the same time every day. We survived before this new decision though.
9. If Barrett is for some reason in pain, I give him Tylenol or Advil. He even took prescription pain medication after he had surgery a couple of months ago. I don't want my baby in pain, when there is treatment available.
8. We took Barrett to O'Charley's when he was one week old. Some doctors suggest that you not take your baby out of the house until a certain age but we were too stir-crazy to stay in the house. In fact, he wasn't sick a single time until he was three months old. Not even with the common cold.
7. We didn't force tummy time. We attempted putting Barrett on his stomach for tummy time about twice. He screamed bloody murder each time. We just didn't push it after that. Yeah, I'm sure he would've gotten used to it but why force it? He's walking and talking up a storm now so I don't think him missing tummy time as an infant affected his development.
6. Barrett isn't always wearing a coat or something covering his ears when it's cold outside. We're lucky to get anywhere on time so putting on a coat just takes more time. Not to mention, it's usually simply forgotten because we're always in such a rush. He's survived so far. Yes, he's had about five ear infections but I think he'll make it. I've had quite a few pediatricians tell me that it's a myth anyways, that wind causes ear infections. Who knows if it's true but I'll go with it!
5. Barrett has been allowed to eat straight off of restaurant tables before, without me wiping it down with a disinfectant wipe first...GASP! I mean, how did kids make it a hundred years ago, with all of the germs floating around, and no disinfectants?! I have no idea, really.
4. I feed Barrett quite a few boxed and pre-made meals for lunch or dinner. Ty and I get off of work at 5:00 then I go pickup Barrett from daycare. That leaves us getting home around 5:30, which is when Barrett's ready to eat. Yeah, I probably have enough time to make a full-course meal and have it on the table in thirty minutes to an hour but I just don't want to. So, Barrett gets Gerber ravioli or some other pasta out of the box a lot of times and Dole carrots or green beans out of the can. Both are microwaved, though so at least it's warm. He also gets fresh grapes or bananas a lot of the time, so give me a little credit! ;)
3. Barrett is an avid television-watcher. I've read things about children shouldn't watch television before the age of two. Yeah, we can forget about that one. I have stuff I need to get done. After I get home from work, fix Barrett's dinner, and occasionally fix dinner for Ty and myself, I have loads of laundry and dishes to do. That doesn't include the other randoms like cleaning house, etc. Mickey Mouse and Elmo have been life-savers, I must admit.
2. I did not breastfeed. That statement alone makes me enough of a non-perfect mother. When people hear that I didn't breastfeed, they assume that I wasn't physically able to. For example, Barrett wouldn't latch or my milk didn't come in. No people...I didn't WANT to breastfeed. I had zero desire to. It just wasn't for me. When some people hear that, I get a whole different reaction, LOL. It's sad that some people don't realize that people in this world are different for a reason and allowed to have their own views and do their own things.
1. Barrett goes to daycare and I have not once felt guilty for it. I am actually relieved at times to be able to have a break from everything "baby". I went back to work when Barrett was two weeks old, working about ten hours a week. I HAD to get out of the house or I would have gone insane. Eventually, I realized that I wasn't getting anything done, taking him to work with me, so I enrolled him in Mother's Day Out at Englewood, which was Tuesdays and Thursdays from 9:00 to 2:30. Ty's mother kept him on Wednesdays, from 9:00 to 5:00 and still does. I was then working about 25-30 hours a week, as I would take him to work with me on Mondays and Fridays. Once again, I realized that I needed a little more help. So, I enrolled Barrett in daycare at West Jackson when he was five months old. I have to pay for full time but he only goes from around 10:00 to 5:15 Monday through Friday, except for Wednesdays, when Ty's mom keeps him all day. I love how our schedule is now and it has worked out great for all of us. Ty gets the help he needs at work, since I'm his assistant. I'm able to get "adult time" and make some extra money in the process. Barrett has made lots of friends and has exceeded my expectations from having such excellent teachers and being around other children his age. It's essential in a child's development to be around other children.
Top 5 Reasons Why I Could Be the Perfect Mother:
5. Barrett slept in his bassinet from the time of birth to four weeks old. He started sleeping in his crib at four weeks old and has for the most part, since.
4. We do not let Barrett sleep in the bed with us on a regular basis. He did sleep with Ty and I, in our bed, when he was six months old, for about a month. It was the worst decision we could have made. I will NEVER forget how horrific it was to get him back to sleeping in his crib. Barrett would wake up around 3:00 in the morning, crying. We would get him out of his crib, put him in our's, and he would sleep until 8:00 am. After only about two nights of doing this, he was set in that routine. He would wake up at 3:00 am, cry, and he KNEW we would come get him out of his crib and put him in our bed. It is sweet that he wanted to sleep with us but we eventually got to the point where none of us were getting good quality sleep. It took about a week of letting Barrett "cry-it-out" at 3:00 am (sometimes crying as long as 45 minutes) to get him back into the routine of sleeping in his crib through the night. It's hard to decide whether there's something really wrong with him, causing him to cry. We eventually learned which cry was serious and which was for attention. There have only been a handful of times when he cried in the middle of the night and he actually needed something. Yes, I love him and hate to see him cry but it's best for all of us when he sleeps in his crib. He has grown to LOVE sleeping in his crib. For the past 6 months, we have been able to lay him down in his crib awake, and he falls asleep within twenty minutes, not making a peep.
3. I didn't allow Barrett to have crib bumpers, stuffed animals, or blankets in his crib until he was nine months old. This is partially because of my fear of SIDS. I was so worried about him suffocating in the first month that he was alive, that I would wake up every thirty minutes and have to lean over and look at him, then have a hard time falling back to sleep because I was terrified. At the time, I was putting a blanket on him and tucking it underneath him. But at around a month old, he was able to shift around and he was in his crib by himself. I decided that if I took off the crib bumpers and didn't allow any blankets or anything else in his crib for that matter, that it would practically be impossible for him to suffocate. I'm sure it's always possible, even with nothing in their crib, but doing this would eliminate my fear atleast. And it did. I began sleeping normal and obviously, he was fine. I always made sure to dress him temperature-appropriate and we never had a problem with him being cold or hot. I invested in a velour-like crib sheet that helped a ton when it was cold outside.
2. We waited until Barrett was six months old to start infant cereal and baby food. We attempted infant cereal when he was four months old but his gag reflex was still going strong. When we tried again at six months, he was ready because it went down so easy and he hardly ever gagged. We waited until he was one year old to start whole milk and eggs. Supposedly, children are less prone to allergy problems if you wait until these particular ages to start certain foods. We still have not tried peanuts or seafood. I have nephews with severe allergy problems so I'm going to do everything in my power to not pass off this family trait to my son. I feel like they're going to have allergies if it's in their DNA but it won't hurt to postpone certain things, when they don't have a huge benefit. I basically just used Barrett as a guide to when he was ready for certain textrues/tastes. He'll definitely tell me if he's not ready for something.
1. I have child-proofed alot of my house, putting locks on the cabinets and plugs in the electric outlets. Not EVERYTHING in my house is child-proofed though. There are some cabinets that don't have locks. We locked mainly the ones with cleaners, medications, or with little items that he could swallow. Most exposed electric outlets have a plug in them.
So, I have ten reasons why I'm NOT the perfect mother and five reasons why I could be the perfect mother. You can weigh those results and see where I qualify ;). Obviously, I am not a perfect mother and yes I have guilt for doing some of the things that you are not "supposed" to do but all I can do is take it day by day. Being a mother is the hardest job in the world but is definitely the most rewarding. I am proud of my imperfections. In a society where we are obsessed with competition, this was a great reminder. No matter how hard we try, or how often we compare ourselves to others, no mother is perfect. Not my own mother, not my friends, not my relatives, not readers of this blog, and CERTAINLY not I. I applaud anyone else that is able to admit their flaws as mothers (and fathers too) but you're also able to give yourself credit for doing things "by the book"! However, who's to say what's right and wrong? When it comes to your child, only you are the judge of that.
My Top 10 Reasons Why I'm Not the Perfect Mother:
10. Barrett wasn't on a daily routine until he was a year old. He never wanted to do things at the same time every day and I just wasn't dedicated enough to force it on him. He ate when he was hungry, slept when he was sleepy, and played when he was playful. He just recently decided he wanted to do these things at around the same time every day. We survived before this new decision though.
9. If Barrett is for some reason in pain, I give him Tylenol or Advil. He even took prescription pain medication after he had surgery a couple of months ago. I don't want my baby in pain, when there is treatment available.
8. We took Barrett to O'Charley's when he was one week old. Some doctors suggest that you not take your baby out of the house until a certain age but we were too stir-crazy to stay in the house. In fact, he wasn't sick a single time until he was three months old. Not even with the common cold.
7. We didn't force tummy time. We attempted putting Barrett on his stomach for tummy time about twice. He screamed bloody murder each time. We just didn't push it after that. Yeah, I'm sure he would've gotten used to it but why force it? He's walking and talking up a storm now so I don't think him missing tummy time as an infant affected his development.
6. Barrett isn't always wearing a coat or something covering his ears when it's cold outside. We're lucky to get anywhere on time so putting on a coat just takes more time. Not to mention, it's usually simply forgotten because we're always in such a rush. He's survived so far. Yes, he's had about five ear infections but I think he'll make it. I've had quite a few pediatricians tell me that it's a myth anyways, that wind causes ear infections. Who knows if it's true but I'll go with it!
5. Barrett has been allowed to eat straight off of restaurant tables before, without me wiping it down with a disinfectant wipe first...GASP! I mean, how did kids make it a hundred years ago, with all of the germs floating around, and no disinfectants?! I have no idea, really.
4. I feed Barrett quite a few boxed and pre-made meals for lunch or dinner. Ty and I get off of work at 5:00 then I go pickup Barrett from daycare. That leaves us getting home around 5:30, which is when Barrett's ready to eat. Yeah, I probably have enough time to make a full-course meal and have it on the table in thirty minutes to an hour but I just don't want to. So, Barrett gets Gerber ravioli or some other pasta out of the box a lot of times and Dole carrots or green beans out of the can. Both are microwaved, though so at least it's warm. He also gets fresh grapes or bananas a lot of the time, so give me a little credit! ;)
3. Barrett is an avid television-watcher. I've read things about children shouldn't watch television before the age of two. Yeah, we can forget about that one. I have stuff I need to get done. After I get home from work, fix Barrett's dinner, and occasionally fix dinner for Ty and myself, I have loads of laundry and dishes to do. That doesn't include the other randoms like cleaning house, etc. Mickey Mouse and Elmo have been life-savers, I must admit.
2. I did not breastfeed. That statement alone makes me enough of a non-perfect mother. When people hear that I didn't breastfeed, they assume that I wasn't physically able to. For example, Barrett wouldn't latch or my milk didn't come in. No people...I didn't WANT to breastfeed. I had zero desire to. It just wasn't for me. When some people hear that, I get a whole different reaction, LOL. It's sad that some people don't realize that people in this world are different for a reason and allowed to have their own views and do their own things.
1. Barrett goes to daycare and I have not once felt guilty for it. I am actually relieved at times to be able to have a break from everything "baby". I went back to work when Barrett was two weeks old, working about ten hours a week. I HAD to get out of the house or I would have gone insane. Eventually, I realized that I wasn't getting anything done, taking him to work with me, so I enrolled him in Mother's Day Out at Englewood, which was Tuesdays and Thursdays from 9:00 to 2:30. Ty's mother kept him on Wednesdays, from 9:00 to 5:00 and still does. I was then working about 25-30 hours a week, as I would take him to work with me on Mondays and Fridays. Once again, I realized that I needed a little more help. So, I enrolled Barrett in daycare at West Jackson when he was five months old. I have to pay for full time but he only goes from around 10:00 to 5:15 Monday through Friday, except for Wednesdays, when Ty's mom keeps him all day. I love how our schedule is now and it has worked out great for all of us. Ty gets the help he needs at work, since I'm his assistant. I'm able to get "adult time" and make some extra money in the process. Barrett has made lots of friends and has exceeded my expectations from having such excellent teachers and being around other children his age. It's essential in a child's development to be around other children.
Top 5 Reasons Why I Could Be the Perfect Mother:
5. Barrett slept in his bassinet from the time of birth to four weeks old. He started sleeping in his crib at four weeks old and has for the most part, since.
4. We do not let Barrett sleep in the bed with us on a regular basis. He did sleep with Ty and I, in our bed, when he was six months old, for about a month. It was the worst decision we could have made. I will NEVER forget how horrific it was to get him back to sleeping in his crib. Barrett would wake up around 3:00 in the morning, crying. We would get him out of his crib, put him in our's, and he would sleep until 8:00 am. After only about two nights of doing this, he was set in that routine. He would wake up at 3:00 am, cry, and he KNEW we would come get him out of his crib and put him in our bed. It is sweet that he wanted to sleep with us but we eventually got to the point where none of us were getting good quality sleep. It took about a week of letting Barrett "cry-it-out" at 3:00 am (sometimes crying as long as 45 minutes) to get him back into the routine of sleeping in his crib through the night. It's hard to decide whether there's something really wrong with him, causing him to cry. We eventually learned which cry was serious and which was for attention. There have only been a handful of times when he cried in the middle of the night and he actually needed something. Yes, I love him and hate to see him cry but it's best for all of us when he sleeps in his crib. He has grown to LOVE sleeping in his crib. For the past 6 months, we have been able to lay him down in his crib awake, and he falls asleep within twenty minutes, not making a peep.
3. I didn't allow Barrett to have crib bumpers, stuffed animals, or blankets in his crib until he was nine months old. This is partially because of my fear of SIDS. I was so worried about him suffocating in the first month that he was alive, that I would wake up every thirty minutes and have to lean over and look at him, then have a hard time falling back to sleep because I was terrified. At the time, I was putting a blanket on him and tucking it underneath him. But at around a month old, he was able to shift around and he was in his crib by himself. I decided that if I took off the crib bumpers and didn't allow any blankets or anything else in his crib for that matter, that it would practically be impossible for him to suffocate. I'm sure it's always possible, even with nothing in their crib, but doing this would eliminate my fear atleast. And it did. I began sleeping normal and obviously, he was fine. I always made sure to dress him temperature-appropriate and we never had a problem with him being cold or hot. I invested in a velour-like crib sheet that helped a ton when it was cold outside.
2. We waited until Barrett was six months old to start infant cereal and baby food. We attempted infant cereal when he was four months old but his gag reflex was still going strong. When we tried again at six months, he was ready because it went down so easy and he hardly ever gagged. We waited until he was one year old to start whole milk and eggs. Supposedly, children are less prone to allergy problems if you wait until these particular ages to start certain foods. We still have not tried peanuts or seafood. I have nephews with severe allergy problems so I'm going to do everything in my power to not pass off this family trait to my son. I feel like they're going to have allergies if it's in their DNA but it won't hurt to postpone certain things, when they don't have a huge benefit. I basically just used Barrett as a guide to when he was ready for certain textrues/tastes. He'll definitely tell me if he's not ready for something.
1. I have child-proofed alot of my house, putting locks on the cabinets and plugs in the electric outlets. Not EVERYTHING in my house is child-proofed though. There are some cabinets that don't have locks. We locked mainly the ones with cleaners, medications, or with little items that he could swallow. Most exposed electric outlets have a plug in them.
So, I have ten reasons why I'm NOT the perfect mother and five reasons why I could be the perfect mother. You can weigh those results and see where I qualify ;). Obviously, I am not a perfect mother and yes I have guilt for doing some of the things that you are not "supposed" to do but all I can do is take it day by day. Being a mother is the hardest job in the world but is definitely the most rewarding. I am proud of my imperfections. In a society where we are obsessed with competition, this was a great reminder. No matter how hard we try, or how often we compare ourselves to others, no mother is perfect. Not my own mother, not my friends, not my relatives, not readers of this blog, and CERTAINLY not I. I applaud anyone else that is able to admit their flaws as mothers (and fathers too) but you're also able to give yourself credit for doing things "by the book"! However, who's to say what's right and wrong? When it comes to your child, only you are the judge of that.
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